About Me

I just turned 46 a couple months ago. I hope it is obvious that I am someone that loves color. There is a good reason for that...

Many years ago at the age of 26 I had a complete hysterectomy. There were some traumatic things that happened before, during and immediately after. Unfortunately I was not ok during the recovery. I saw ill equipped "medical professionals" and I was mis-diagnosed with a mental disorder. For 10 years I was heavily medicated. I was on anywhere from 10-17 psychiatric medications at one time. Hospitalized 3 separate times. At no point was my initial diagnosis ever questioned. It is good to note my initial diagnosis came from a psychiatric pharmacist. This was my only option at the time, as it was a low income clinic.

I was a walking zombie. There were times of happiness. I was still taking care of responsibilities, making my doctor appointments and attending them. My goal was always to be the best stay at home mom and wife I could be. I put all of my trust into the ever changing doctors in charge of my care. Most of my memories of that time are blurry, gray or just not there. My husband was a wonderful support, he did all he could, he trusted the doctors as well.

After almost 10 years of living this life.  A wonderful thing happened! My gallbladder started having issues, for 6 weeks I was unable to hold anything down but broth and water.  I was unable to take my meds. After a couple weeks the meds were clearing out of my system. I could feel my own thoughts emerging. I could feel my clarity coming back. I could see color and feel true happiness.

I finally had my gallbladder removed. I vowed to never go on meds again. I kept in touch with my med provider for about 6 months, just to make sure I was correct, I did not want to be reckless. During that 10 years I was someone, no one including me recognized. More trauma happened during that time that caused so much more harm than good.

I would not have made it out without God. I thank him every single day. Many struggle with mental illness and my heart goes out to them. It is an incredibly difficult thing to endure.

It has taken many years to get through all the trauma from before and during this ordeal. I still have an extremely difficult time trusting doctors. Yet, I now deal with chronic pain and auto immune issues that I must see the doctor. I wait until the very last minute because of the anxiety I experience.

I finally embraced my hidden love of color about 2 years ago. That was also when I started acrylic painting. I had been pursuing my love of creating before then ( another story for another time). When I was on about my 6th acrylic painting attempt, I finally found my voice. It was this painting:

A huge 36"x48". Here it was my voice, all in one piece. My gratitude for life, my clarity, my love for nature and my love for color! I had to go big to finally find me.

 I try very hard to not look backwards, there is a lot of anger, sadness and regret. I focus on the present and  the future. It is one I never thought I would have. I am blessed to be here. I remember that every day. Color is my expression, it is my voice. For me color has been a way for me to share my growth. I used to be so consumed with insecurity, wondering if I was making the right choices, looking to others for approval. I no longer have those fears and insecurities. My home used to be so empty, with no life. 

That is no longer my world. I lived in a grey world for far too long. Never again!

I am now the happiest I have ever been!

I appreciate you taking the time to read this. It took me a long time to not feel shame for my past. I am grateful to be here and appreciate all that I have learned through this journey. I have a deep hope for the future❤️